Rock you like a hurricane!

It’s been over a week since Sandy and life is starting to get a little bit back to normal.  Thankfully, I live in an area of Brooklyn where we didn’t get hit bad at all, just a few downed trees.  Unfortunately, there are so many people who did not fare as well.  My in-law’s (MIL & BIL), were some of those people.  My husband grew up in a small gated community at the end of Coney Island called Seagate, where his mother and brother still reside.  We also have a bunch of close friends that my husband grew up with still living there.  The devastation in Seagate and Coney Island is unreal.  No one expected Sandy to be this bad.  In Seagate, where once houses stood on the shore, there is just rubble.  My mother in law was luckier than most because she lives in the middle of Seagate.  On their block, pretty much all that happened was basements flooded up to their ceilings.  The houses are still standing but so many lost so much from the flooding.  One friend, who had a basement apartment, posted a sad picture on Facebook of all her belongings being thrown out on the curb.  Yes, they fared better than most but it still hurts to lose so much.

 My mother in law's destroyed basement, water line was to the top of the tv in the corner.

Now, I’ve taken in a refugee kitty that belonged to my mother in law until she can figure out where she can live for the next few months.  Even though husband and I are both allergic, but we're doing okay thus far.  Clean up is going to take a long time.  So much needs to be replaced in these homes in order for them to be livable again.  Some of our friends are staying in Seagate with no power or heat, but they sure do have heart.

In the past week, I’ve been able to move on to mushy food.  My doctor wanted me to do another week of liquids but I told him I just couldn’t do it anymore.  So, he told me to start slowly on mushies and I’m honestly doing great.  I’ve even snuck in something solid here and there but chew chew chewing it until it’s mush (mmm, tasty).  My first mushie meal was at a restaurant!  I know, bad post-op newbie sleeve girl.  My husband and I went to a gourmet Middle Eastern restaurant in our neighborhood called Tanoreen.  Seriously, it’s the best and they are very different from your regular, run of the mill Middle Eastern restaurant.  We got a soft red pepper dip that I took one or two bites of and my main meal was a falafel appetizer portion.  I had just a half falafel mushed up with extra tahini.  My husband had a dish with cauliflower roasted with tahini sauce in it so I took a few bites of that too.  Everything went down fine and it all tasted like HEAVEN after two weeks of liquids.

The first mushie meal that I cooked myself (besides scrambled egg) was pot roast.  I made it in the crock pot so it was extra moist and then pureed it up.

   

Yes, it does look like dog food but it really didn’t taste that bad!  Since then, I’ve been living on farina, yogurt, ricotta bake, cauliflower casserole, refried beans, peanut butter, eggs, and sugar free popsicles.  The ricotta bake and cauliflower casserole recipes can be found at TheWorld According to Eggface, which has been a lifesaving blog for me!  I am, however, starting to get sick of mushies but I’m just trudging along.  I honestly cannot wait to start solids and exercise again.  I feel like that will really kick up my weight loss.  Since surgery on 10/12, I’ve lost 17lbs!  I already feel a difference in my clothing and I feel great.  I’m worried about when I will hit a stall but right now I’m just trying to focus on healing and getting my protein in.  My calories most days are around 500 and protein just about 40-50 grams so, according to my doctor’s plan, I’m doing pretty well!

I do still have some head issues to work out though.  Head hunger has been horrid.  I try to just drink when I think I feel hunger but sometimes it’s really bad.  Yesterday, for example was bad.  I wanted to eat everything and anything.  I even took a small scoop of my husband’s rice that he had at dinner.  I immediately felt guilty (not sick!) and knew that I need to get my head in the game.  If I don’t follow the rules, I will mess up big time and it’s just too early in the game to mess up!  I’m hoping that solids and exercising will really help this.  I have my birthday party planned for the day after I can start solids and I’ve been pinning (via the time-suck/awesome website Pinterest) healthy dips/recipes that I can have a few bites of.  After that, husband and I are headed to California for Thanksgiving!  It will be my first time there and I’m very excited.  My birthday is the Saturday after Thanksgiving and we will be spending it in LA with friends who just moved there.  I hope to have a pleasant meal at a nice restaurant that night.

My stats thus far:

Pre-Op weight: 234lbs

Surgery weight: 226lbs

Current weight: 209 – 9 more pounds to ONEDERLAND!  Yippee!

Sleevie Stevie

Man, time flies when you're having fun!  Here I am, sleeved for almost two weeks already.  It's really unbelievable that this came to fruition.  I never thought it would and it sometimes still doesn't feel real but it did and it is.

Friday October 12th, I had to be in the hospital by 6AM.  My husband and I got up around 4:30AM to shower/get ready and we were out the door by 5:15.  We got to the hospital, went to admitting and waited for my name to be called.  I had been feeling nervous but trying to just not think about it.  I was called back around 6:30 to start prepping for surgery.  They got me into a gown right away and I did the preliminary stuff.  I couldn't believe how fast it was going because I waited so long before my lapband removal!  The anesthesiologist came in and decided that since I'm a hard stick, she would try to get the IV in before going to the OR.  Of course she had a hard time and IV needles hurt so much that my nerves finally spilled over and I started to cry.  My husband was a rock though and made me feel a lot better during the whole ordeal.

Finally, once the IV was in, it was time to go into the OR.  I kissed my husband goodbye, he told me not to be scared or nervous, hugged and I was on my way.  I went under pretty quickly and from what I hear, surgery went well.  Afterward, I didn't have the same bad reaction to the anesthesia as before because they loaded me up with anti-nausea medication before waking me up.  However, I was still pretty out of it for a long period of time.  They kept me in recovery for 5 hours, ugh.  My poor husband was exhausted but he still stayed with me and I'm so grateful for it even thought I was pretty much unconscious.  I was moved into a room around 5 in the afternoon.

I had a tube in my nose that ran down my throat to my stomach, a drain sticking out my side, and a catheter.  Needless to say, I was pretty miserable.  I had just gotten settled into my room when I started to gag on the damn tube down my throat.  My heart rate went way up and the nurses started freaking out.  I finally calmed down and was able to stop gagging but then I had to have an EKG.  After all that excitement, I could finally hit the morphine pump and rest.  That morphine pump would be my friend for the next two days.  I had the nose tube and catheter taken out the next day in the hospital but the drain wouldn't come out until I left.  Let me tell you, having a drain pulled out of you is nothing but weird.  I wouldn't call it painful exactly but it certainly doesn't tickle and it is beyond weird feeling it being pulled out from your insides.  I get the shivers thinking about it now.

After the hospital, my life has been pretty good.  I stayed home from work for a week recovering, went to a wedding, and get to start mushy foods soon.  I honestly don't have any pain, maybe a little discomfort at night but that's it, no nausea, no fevers, no bathroom problems...everything is good!  I'm a little surprised and leary about it but I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.  However, I am 100% sick of being on liquids.  If I never have to eat soup again it'll be too soon.  I never liked soup much to begin with so it's been a challenge.  Also, protein shakes are disgusting.  I've tried several different types, kinds, flavors and none of them taste good at all.  I'm pretty much only getting one shake in a day which is bad because I should be having three but it's all I can do.  I intend to drop them from my diet Friday when I start mushies. 

Other than that, I've had high energy and high hopes for this surgery type to work for me.  I know I need to stick to plan and make it work for me so I hope I can make that change in myself.  I know that my head hunger has been out of control lately but I think it's mostly because of the liquids.  I hope it goes away in the mushie phase.  Anyway, I've fondly nicknamed my sleeve, Sleevie Stevie and I do so hope we can be friends.

Til next time!

Pre-op diet from hell

In preparation of surgery, every WLS patient must succumb to the dreaded "pre-op" diet.  This can consist of and be many things.  Some people are on it for a month, two weeks, three days, or not at all.  Sometimes it's all clear liquids or just reduced calories and fat.  Regardless, it blows.

I'm fortunate enough that my doctor isn't one of the ones who requires a longer amount of time to be on the diet.  Also, my diet plan allows some vegetables, thin soup, and protein drinks.  I basically need to stay under 1,000 calories a day, absolutely no fat, and get 50g of protein in.  No easy feat especially when protein shakes taste like butt and you can't add anything flavorful to them such as peanut butter (too much fat le sigh).

So I present to you the main staples of my pre-op diet of doom:

Carnation Instant Breakfast, SODIUM FREE chicken and beef broth, and sugar free jello.  Guess what, they all taste terrible, ugh.  I would also have a tomato-broth-vegetable type soup for lunch and eat a lot of cucumbers because it was one of the permitted vegetables that happen to be my favorite.

But, I've survived, much to my surprise, with minimal cheating.  What?  You didn't think I wouldn't cheat here or there?  Granted, I cheated on egg whites.  Such a badass, right?  It was only the first day and I don't really have a good excuse but I felt really bad about myself afterward and tried to be the best I could be for the rest of the diet.

Which leads me to this conclusion: I think pre-op diets are bullshit.  I get that the night before you should be on clear liquids but the pre-op diet varies so much from doctor to doctor, how can it really be beneficial?  They claim this diet is to shrink the liver, can you really shrink the liver in a few days?  Internet research (I know, I know, I can hear your groaning now) shows that no, it takes something more like 3 months to shrink your liver.  But, I decided to be a good sport and just deal with it.  However, my husband just made bacon and eggs for dinner and I think he's actually trying to kill me.  My apartment smells like bacon and I'm ready to eat the damn couch.

Tomorrow is the big day for me.  I am the first case of the day so I have to be at the hospital by 6AM which is good and yet sucky.  I'm looking forward to being done with surgery and beginning this new journey.  I will return to you a sleeved woman!

What makes you gain weight?

September was a crazy month for me.  I went to multiple pre-surgery doctor's appointments all for the sake of insurance approval.

One of these appointments was a psychological evaluation.  Let me tell you about the psychological evaluation I had prior to my LapBand surgery. It consisted of this tiny, mouse of a man telling me I won't be comfortable with my new body because most women aren't after weight loss surgery and proceeded to show pictures of floppy pancake breasts.  He made it quite clear that my breasts would look like this.  I pretty much stared at him with my mouth agape like a fish out of water.  Seriously.

Since that experience was pretty much awful, I didn't have high hopes for the psych evaluation this time around.  My goal was to get in and get out as quickly as possible.  Now, is it just me or are most psychologists bullshit?  I don't know, but I just feel like the questions they ask of me are really dumb.  My psychologist was a very small, young-ish woman who looked like all she ate all her life were twigs and grass leaves.  After telling her why I was there her first question was "So, what makes you gain weight?"  I looked at her, laughed, and said "food".  I mean, come on, you walked right into that one twig lady.  But, I have to admit that once my defensive mechanism of humor ran out, I did seriously consider the question.  What does make me gain weight?  Well, for one thing I graze, a lot.  I can't help it.  I just eat snacks all day long and would gladly forgo mealtimes for snacks.  It doesn't help that where I work there is always a plethora of candy and snacks laying around to enjoy.  Do I eat out of boredom?  Definitely.

Eating out of boredom or picking all day has had an affect on my mental state. I constantly feel hungry.  Most WLS patients refer to this as "head hunger".  Your brain is telling you "EAT FOOD NOW" when your stomach is actually quite content.  I think it will be a real battle for me to get through that but I'm waiting until after surgery to really grapple with it.

Which, speaking of, I have a date!  I'm due for surgery October 12th.  I'm excited but beginning to get nervous and the feeling of being unprepared.  I've been doing so much research for this surgery though, I think/hope I'll be ok.

Anyway, next update will probably be post-op!!!

The summer wind came blowin' in...

As summer comes to a close, I can't help but get Frank Sinatra's "The Summer Wind" stuck in my head. 

Summer, for me, has been quite the whirlwind.  I have been so incredibly busy, I barely had time to sit and relax.  I just came back from a weekend trip to the Bahamas with girlfriends which was fun but I barely got any sleep and therefore, barely any relaxation.  Such is life.

In the world of surgery news, my 6 month probation period is done on September 24th.  I will have my sixth visit with the surgeon and hopefully schedule a date.  In the meanwhile, I just found out about a month ago all the additional testing I need done.  I'm annoyed because I could've gotten it done a lot sooner and with more space between but that's the way the cookie crumbles I guess.  I need to have a psych evaluation, blood work, an endoscopy, and a recommendation letter from a regular PCP.  Since my PCP and I are in a fight, I had to find a new one.  My surgeon recommended seeing the PCP in his office and she was great.  No problem recommending me for surgery.

The psych evaluation and my endoscopy are up next this week.  I'm debating getting my blood work done the same day as my endoscopy but due to nagging from my mother, I may be going to Long Island to finally design my wedding album. It's almost a year after I got married and let me tell you that little sucker is a pain in the ass.  I really wish I could just say to them "Please just design as you see fit." but apparently that's frowned upon (mostly by your mother).

In addition to that, I've decided to start the damned INH medication for tuberculosis.  I'm so beyond annoyed about this that I'm not even annoyed anymore, does that make sense?  I've whined, I've googled, I've WINED (literally) but it seems like the best course of action is to take the stupid INH.  Who wants real TB anyway?  Especially not me since I often have bouts of bronchitis at least once a year.  I'm actually going on week two of a horrible hacking cough related to asthma and bronchitis.  Do I really want to worry every time I get bronchitis, which I legit get once a year, that I might have tuberculosis?  No, not really.  I also don't want to be a social pariah at work every time I cough since most people know about my ridiculous TB situation.

It seems like fun times are ahead.  Since I'll be sober majority of the time and not really going to or enjoying social events, I will probably update this blog more.  It's certainly easier than designing your stupid wedding album. 

Adios, Crapband!

SO I had the band removed on Friday the 13^th (spooky).  I had a call time of 7:30AM to be at the hospital.  I got there at 7AM and they wouldn’t take me for all the pre-op stuff until my actual appointment time even though I was literally the only person there.

Once I got called into the back rooms of same day admitting the waiting started.  I did the usual stuff like a urine sample, blood pressure etc but then just sat for a longggg time.  At around 8:30AM my surgeon came in and said he hadn’t even started his first case of the day but was on his way in.  Ugh!  The waiting room they had me in was nice though and they gave me the remote for the tv in the room.  I just sat with my mom talking through my nervousness.  I’m not sure why, but I was nervous.  I suppose it’s normal for anyone to be nervous before going in to surgery. 

Around 10AM, the anesthesiologist came in to do the run down.  He was nice enough but kept asking me why I was having the band removed.  At first I laughed and was like “Uhm, because it obviously doesn’t work?” I received a blank stare on that one so I elaborated a bit and he was just very stoic and kept asking questions.  I just wanted him to get on with it.  He also kept pointing out things about my blood pressure and why I really need to lose weight.  Yeah, no shit Sherlock!  Thanks, Captain Obvious.  After that, it was time to go back to the OR.  I said bye to my mother and took the long walk back to the OR which was small and cold.  

I’m a hard stick which means I have bad veins.  It took the doctor FOUR times to get me with the needle for anesthesia and once they got it, I was OUT.  They didn’t even tell me they were starting the medication but all of a sudden things got a little woozy.  For some strange reason, I think I had a dream while I was under.  When I came to, I was extremely disoriented and WHAM the nausea hit.  I’ve never had a bad experience with anesthesia but this time was bad.  I also know that the tube in my throat causes discomfort but my throat was on FIRE.  The nausea plus the fire in my throat plus the disorientation immediately made me cry.  I’m a big baby when it comes to pain and illness so crying was my immediate response.  The anesthesiologist was actually very nice at this point.  He held my hand and told me it would be ok, that he knew it was an emotional event.

Once in recovery, I also noticed my vision wasn’t clearing.  Since I was a fire breathing dragon at this point, I couldn’t express this to my nurse very clearly.  I told her “blurry” and she immediately knew what I was saying.  Apparently they rubbed Vaseline on my eyes to keep them moist (never had that done before) and it would take a little while for them to clear.  Well isn’t that just fun!  The nausea or grogginess didn’t go away for a while until they finally gave me a shot for it.  I came out of surgery at a little after 11:30AM and stayed in recovery until 3:30PM.  After that, they moved me upstairs to the women’s ward in a smaller recovery room with 3 other women.  Once up there, they got me out of bed and moving around.  I jumped through all the hoops to get the hell out of there and go home and by 5PM I was on my way.

It was a long day and a hard recovery from anesthesia but I’m doing better and better every day.  I forgot how hard/annoying it is to have wounds on the stomach but I’m becoming more and more mobile.  After surgery, I saw my surgeon on the way out of the hospital.  He said it took a little extra effort to get my port out so I’ll be more sore in that area.  I expected that anyway.  He also mentioned the dreaded “scar tissue” and said we have to talk more when I follow up with him.  That follow up appointment is set for Monday so we’ll just have to see how it goes.

Overall, I’m glad to finally have the band out and start the process to get my sleeve.  A friend asked me if I’m having second thoughts after the bad anesthesia experience or the soreness in my stomach area but I’m not.  It will be a long road of recovery but I’m ready and prepared to do it and do it right this time!  

-D

It's America, do what you want.

Well, it has been some time since I last updated.  Having a blog is hard!  Time just gets away from me.  Lots of stuff has gone on since my first posting.  For example, tomorrow I will be getting my crapband removed.  I’m a little bit anxious because I don’t really know what the next few months are going to be like.  My surgeon claims that I will only be a little sore after the removal, mostly where my port was but I’m becoming anxious about gaining a ton of weight in the three months I have to wait for my sleeve.

My eating habits have not been great since I have no fluid in my band.  I don’t go all out crazy but I definitely don’t try too hard to be good either.  I don’t track my food anymore which is a bad habit that I need to break.  I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for my post op life with the sleeve as much as I can.  I’ve also been spending a lot of time reading up on protein supplements.  I really was never good with my protein even with the band but I’m taking this new opportunity to start over and be successful.   

           
In other news, I have latent TB.  Yes, that tricky tuberculosis.  I went in to my PCP for blood work for medical clearance to get the lapband removed.  For some unknown reason he decided to run the Quantiferon Gold test which is apparently the new way to test for TB.  It came back positive.  Since then, I’ve gotten a chest xray and seen a specialist.  My lungs are clear which means I have latent TB and therefore I have to go on nine months of medication.  This medication is called INH and it is a very strong antibiotic which means no drinking, for nine months…

           
So that was pretty much a death sentence for my 26 year old social self but I have since come to terms with it.  I’d rather take care of it now than later or wait to possibly contract active TB and run into a whole other slew of problems.  This whole experience, however, has made me realize I need a new PCP.

          
My current PCP has a bit of a “god” complex and thinks he’s the all mighty.  Something about me that you should probably know, I tend to get easily upset at doctor’s appointments when they tell me something strange and horrifying (such as “you have to take nine months of medication”).  I also have amassed a large amount of medical bills thanks to my crapband and various other illnesses.  So, we were talking nine months of medication and blood tests every month to watch my liver on top of my surgery costs. Needless to say, I was upset.  Well, just like lapband doctor #1, my PCP really didn’t give two shits about me or my concerns.  In fact, when I asked normal questions like “Do I really have to take this medication?” or “Are there any other options?” his response was (and I quote) “It’s America, you can do whatever you want”.  Also, when I started to cry he asked me “Is that allergies or are you really crying?”  Like seriously, dude?  What a big ‘ol jerk! 

          
 Anyway, I can’t seem to get any luck with these doctors.  I decided that day to go to the specialist my surgeon recommended and I’m glad I did.  My surgeon and the pulmonary specialist are both affiliated with NYU in Manhattan.  Not only are the doctors SPECTACULAR, the offices/hospital are well maintained and are very modern which I appreciate in this day and age.  All the modernity, however, cannot change the fact that I have to take this stupid INH and not drink for nine months (and also worry about my liver) but on the upside not drinking should really help me lose weight with or without my sleeve surgery.

           
Tomorrow begins the process of revising for me, crapband out, sleeve in (not until October though).  I hope to not be too sore but I will try to update more frequently in the future to avoid long rambling posts such as this one ;).

Oh, hi there...

Oh, hello internet user who may or may not have happened upon my blog by chance.

After many failed blog attempts before, I've decided to start a new one just to talk about my weight loss surgery journey and general musings.  My hope is that someone will find me funny and give me a book deal...haha no j/k (but it would be nice!).  My real hope is that someone like me, who may be struggling, will find this and find comfort in knowing they are not the only person suffering.  Like I did.  I seriously thought I was the only person who failed miserably with the LapBand and talking about it to anyone would be a complete embarrassment.  So, what do I decide to do?  Air my dirty laundry.

Yes, I have a LapBand that does.not.work.  The LapBand is touted as the best thing since sliced bread (even though sliced bread will cause you serious discomfort with the band) in the weight loss surgery community.  Way back when it started to get advertized it was described as the safest and best way to lose weight.  Well, guess what?  It's a big 'ol crap shoot.  I'm not a medical professional and a Google search did not turn up any simple, clear statistical answer to LapBand success rates.  Hmm, I wonder why?

Anyway, moving on, I won't completely trash the band because there are people who have done well with it.  However, to quote my current doctor, "Sometimes it just doesn't work for everyone".  It took me four long years to finally come to terms with this.

Here's my story: in 2008 I was 22 years old and just beginning my career in publishing.  I struggled with weight my entire life and I have never been smaller than a size 12.  After college, I BALLOONED to a size 18 and was miserable.  I had friends and family who had weight loss surgery but I never ever thought I'd get approved because I had no real medical issues such as diabetes or sleep apnea.  Well, long story short, I did get approved and wowie wow I was so excited.  I thought to myself FINALLY, I'm going to be skinny!  Come May 2008, I had my LapBand procedure. 

Looking back on all this now, I was not prepared.  I did little to no research and was just so elated that I actually got approved that I jumped in head first.  All I could see was that little, skinny, beautiful me (in a bikini of course) at the end of the tunnel.  I lost 50lbs initially with the band in the first year but it was all down hill from there. 

It's now 2012 (in case you didn't know) and I'm back to the weight and size I began at.  It's been a long rough journey with horrible doctors who didn't care for me, being depressed, feeling like a huge (literally) loser/failure, and just generally being frustrated.  I felt like there was nothing I could do, no doctor would help me, they all blamed me for the failure of the band.  I gave up trying not too long ago.  I was so completely fed up that I just came to the belief that I will be like this forever and hate myself for wasting precious time and money on making the band work for me. 

Last month, I came to my breaking point.  I was tired of being this size, tired of hating myself, feeling gross, tired of getting food stuck and puking it up, tired tired tired TIRED!  I thought let me give this one.last.shot.  Third time's the charm right?  Having seen two previous doctors who wanted nothing to do with revising me I figured try one more doctor.  My ultimatum was to go in there and say "Either revise this damn thing or just take it out -- I'm better off without it".  Never did I expect this last doctor to say "Hey, you're right.  Let's do something that will actually help you for once".  THANK YOU SWEET BABY JESUS! 

I still don't believe it.  Now, I have my LapBand removal scheduled for July 13th and, after 6 months of the insurance pre-op approval process, I will hopefully have my sleeve revision surgery in early November - just in time for my 27th birthday!

I look forward to the journey to a new me.  I don't quite see the skinny, beautiful bikini girl at the end of the tunnel because I've been let down before.  Instead, I'm looking for the healthier me who won't be fatigued or winded and just feel good.  I hope you enjoy the rest of my story...

Until next time,
D